Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Broke Back Brandi

I have been throwing out my back (if only I could throw it away right now), gradually, over the past few months. The chiropractor said it was because I overdid it with the yoga. Two classes a day? No big deal. I couldn't bend over the sink to brush my teeth and thought, wow, I have become so flexible that I am beginning to go backwards into inflexibility. My birthday is this Sunday and my mom asked me if I wanted some muscle relaxants, tied up in a pretty box. Yes, please. The chiro already lined my back up with some crazy tape, "to pull the skin away from the fascia." I look like I am broken, barely being held together, with strips of blue bandage and adhesive. On most days, this is an apt analogy. Especially today.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Biscuit Sophisticate (blog title courtesy of Jason...he has the best funnels in town!)

Matt's biscuits look like newborn baby macaroons in a blanket

I call my biscuits "spite bites"

Brunch with friends is always nice, especially if your friends are biscuits. Can one befriend a biscuit you ask? Yes. All my friends on facebook are biscuits. I hope my friends who are far less buttermilky and puffy won't be offended when they see my biscuit mafia and top ten biscuits. I blame Ella for my recent biscuit-centric life. I also blame her for my exquisitely amateur foray into culinary domesticity. (I blame Matt, too, who made biscuits a few weeks ago, specifically not for me because I bailed on an impromptu potluck). I made biscuits for myself and my family and was actually thrilled during the entire process...one part addiction, two parts spite. Yum.

From the archives...

An old blog entry from a year or so ago:

Modern Lady Redux

So, I know all three of you were anticipating my blog about being a modern lady. While doing research, I discovered some internal feelings that are incongruous with some traditional definitions of "modern lady-ness" that have been maintained. I also learned that a google search for "modern lady," "etiquette," or "manners" inevitably leads to images of, and references to, the Victorian Era. Wow, what a stiff, stuffy time. It seems like highly appropriate behavior is always aligned with highly uncomfortable situations…tea parties with old women, cotillion, meeting the boyfriend's/girlfriend's parents, coronations, etc. I think being a MODERN lady means naturally adapting to these normally uptight environs with grace and fluidity and THEN carrying these qualities on into more casual situations. Most women know what it means to be a lady, but a few need some handholding:

Would you permit your thong to ride out of the back of your pants while taking communion? Of course not. So, why am I seeing this while eating dinner at P.F. Chang's? I don't want to see your underwear during the Eucharist, nor during my chicken lettuce wraps.

Thank you notes. Write them. Write, right away. Go buy some cute stationery, it's good for you. When you're not sure if you should write one or not, write one.

Ok, so you have your fancy phone with its qwerty keyboard and flipping screen and your fave five and laser pointer and whatever. Cool, show it off all over the place, but not during a meal. Unless you're a doctor on call, you don't need to read that last succession of texts…it takes away from the attention you should be paying to the people/person you are eating with. Turn your volume off and save all of us from that Rihanna ringtone.

Traditional invitations are slowly being replaced by Evites. These are ecogroovy and cost effective and for some reason, viewed and then often ignored. The creator of the Evite can see that you have looked at the invitation, maybe several times, and completely failed to provide a response…what's the excuse here? It wasn't lost in the mail. Maybe you're receiving so many Evites that you can't keep track of them? In this case, I suggest you do a "Evite" key word search in your email inbox, bimonthly.

When you are in a class, conference, or lecture and need to excuse yourself from the room, do not walk in front of the person speaking. I had a professor who would completely stop the lecture and stare anyone down who attempted this…it was awesome.

Stop pointing out your perceived flaws in order to garner attention and swift rebuttals. Confidence is ladylike, and sexy, too.

Swearing. This was a hard one because I really like swearing. I think using forbidden words creates a solidarity among friends and peers…you just have to know when it is and isn't appropriate to drop certain f-bombs, s-bombs and p-bombs (a p-bomb is the word "panties" and it would be a bomb if you used it around me because I really don't like that word.) Cussing, at least for me, relieves stress. Moderation is key here.

This is kind of related to the cursing - don't shout. A lady should command attention simply with her composed presence and independence.

If you are with a friend or group of friends and then encounter other friend(s), introduce them to each other IMMEDIATELY. Do not wait for them to do it themselves…this makes everyone uncomfortable. There have been several times where I have had to introduce myself to a friend's friend and somehow I come out looking like the forward, peeved bitch…which I am when not properly introduced.

Say please and thank you. You can't say it too much. There isn't anyone exempt from your pleases and thank yous, by the way.

Finally, don't get stupid drunk and solicit a hot bartender, continually. I am not going to give you an explanation or anecdote here, just don't do it...not ladylike.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Deleting Myspace is the New Black

(blog title courtesy of Chelsea)

No explanation needed, really. Try deleting your myspace account. It's cathartic.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Final Repository?

I have had blog posts on myspace, facebook, wordpress...and I think I am finished whoring my words out all over the internet. I'm finally ready to commit to a monogamous, blog relationship.